7TV Day IV: ‘Pulptastic!’
On Saturday 6th July Wargames Illustrated hosted a games day at the Wargames Foundry HQ in Newark to showcase the new ‘7TV Pulp!’ rules from Crooked Dice.
The scenario was that 2 groups, SSR & Hydra, were attempting to stop each other from creating a superweapon for purposes of world domination/liberation depending on your perspective. Game 1 was the gathering of parts, 2 was establishing a lab and 3 was defending/destroying the superweapon. Points were awarded in the first game for the number of objectives captured; game 2 was simply won by occupying the building by game end and the finale was down to success or not.
So, without further ado, Bootlace Telly in association with 7TV Productions presents …
‘Luke-Warm in Cairo … or … What Katy Did Next … or … The K-Team’
Being the continuing adventures of an army ambulance and her intrepid crew in their endless search for the best cooking lager in the world … probably.
Cast:
Co-Star - Rugged Veteran Gordon Tanqueray ‘G&T’ Mills – Katy’s boss. A man who always knows where his flask is.
Co-Star - Rugged Veteran Tony ‘Spade’ van der Quayle – Comms Expert & tough guy.
Extra - Doctor Dr Sylvie ‘Bones’ Sims – staunch, reliable and tolerant.
Extra - Grease Monkey Harold ‘Tools’ Andrews – keeps it all running despite …
Extra - Newshound Victoria ‘Vic’ Norton – bombshell, trouble-magnet
Vehicle - Truck Katy the Ambulance as Herself.
Military Unit: No.13 Demolition Unit ‘Roddie’s Redshirts’
Extra - Army Officer Capt. Roddie Redmond – Action Mantm
Extra – Army Private Pvt. Able
Extra – Army Private Pvt. Baker
Extra – Army Private Pvt. Charlie
Ep1 ‘Is That a Submarine in Your Carpark ... or Are You Just Pleased to See Me?’
In which Katy and the crew gate-crash a party at Don Quintonelli’s North African mansion and fight to recover some mysterious artefacts from a lost German U-Boat.
“Chaps, I do believe there’s a U-Boat behind that sand dune”
“Have you been at the gin again, boss?”
Katy pulled up behind a convenient Assyrian Lamassu gateway and the crew sprang into investigative action. First away was the Lovely Vic, rushing off to examine the unlikely submarine without looking left or right or considering the consequences of her actions.
“Stupid filly’ll be the death of us!”
The rest advanced in a more circumspect manner – Redshirts advancing towards the bow to guard the flank and cover the mansion entrance, the others to the top of the dune to check the lay of the land. The faithful Tools remained with Katy to administer some TLC.
“There seems to be a bunch of wiseguys in sharp suits with tommy guns on that other ridge.”
“I thought U-Boats were German not Italian!”
“Anyone fancy an ice-cream?”
“Just-a one c…”
“Shuttup-a you face”
The Redshirts opened up while Spade rushed forward to give the stupid woman some cover. A couple of suits were knocked down but the Redshirts suffered badly and Baker was captured when Little Luigi sprang from behind the sub and enveloped him in a bearhug. Roddie managed to dominate (Donimate?) the Don in a suicidal charge before being choppered.
Meanwhile Vic stole the scene and retrieved an interesting artefact from the conning tower making her escape covered by Spade with his own chopper. A bunch of the wiseguys went down but so did Spade. Mean-meanwhile, Katy had snuck into some rocks where Tools had seen an interesting artefact.
Just as the end credits began to roll, Vic hurried off set and Tools activated the rocket pack he had knocked up from a couple of empty thermos flasks and some spare gin.
Ep2 ‘Mummy, You’re Scaring Me.’
In which Katy and the crew discover strange goings-on in a nondescript municipal building.
“This is a nice park. Better than those beastly sand dunes.”
“There appear to be a bunch of w*gs in pajamas with a mummy behind that wall.”
“Have you been at the gin again, boss?”
During the opening crawl Katy sped (in slow-mo) towards the large building in the middle of the park, Vic rushed (in slow-mo) to peer in through the windows and the Redshirts appeared to saunter into the trees for a picnic with lashings of ginger beer.
“Stupid filly’ll be the death of us!”
Taking advantage of the leisurely opening, a group of Ottoman gentlemen with robed followers and a giant burns victim entered the building through a side door. The redshirts on perimeter defence took a toll on the robed ones but seemed unable to hit anyone who mattered.
In a masterly piece of planning, Mills & Spade sprayed the room with SMG fire while the guys with the grenades stood around taking pot-shots at glimpses of blankets through the trees. The mummy came around the corner and was eventually subdued with mass gunfire providing the dastardly enemy with time to get their act together.
The tide then turned as a bloke in a red robe grabbed at Spade through the window and drew him helplessly inside. In other news, one of the befezzed Gentlemen took advantage of Baker’s weak military mind and turned him against his companions.
“Oh, so that’s what grenades are for. Ooops, sorry chaps”
Ep3 ‘Ooh My, That’s a Big Lizard.’ (Parental guidance suggested)
In which Katy and the crew encounter a dinosaur in a brothel … as you do.
“Chaps, there’s a bloody great Tyrannosaurus on top of that brothel.”
“How can you tell what it is?”
“The red lights are a dead giveaway.”
“Have you been at the gin again, boss?”
The Agents of M.I.L.F. were up to no good in their city HQ and the boys were determined to find out more about it; Bones & Vic, not so much. Tools stayed with Katy as she was getting jealous.
Photo by Phil Parrott
As the lads wandered nonchalantly along the pavement wondering what sort of welcome they would receive, their questions, if not their prayers, were answered by a burst of gunfire that stopped Able wondering about anything. Vic decided that there was something suspicious about the dinosaur on the roof and dashed around the corner.
“Stupid filly’ll be the death of us!”
Spade & Mills got out their choppers and the resulting blast did for both Stacy and Stacy’s sister. Stacy’s mom still had it going on and dived for cover indoors. Crossing the road carefully, looking both left and right (not wanting be scarred for life) our heroes heroically took cover against the wall.
Whilst Our Boys and the Evil (in a good way) Agents blasted each other to a standstill, Vic shinned up the drainpipe to confront the chronologically challenged lizard. After hastily constructing an explosive device from the contents of her handbag (lipstick, compact, false eyelashes, another lipstick, the good stockings, 3 AA batteries and a couple of very sticky glacier mints) she was confronted by an Amazon in purple spandex.
“Hello little girl”
“Hmm, you’re a big one; pity we can’t be friends.”
The second shot blew Vic off the roof and that was that.
Behind The Scenes
My opponents were, in order, Simon Quinton, Adrian Nash, Phil Parrott who are all great guys and fun to play against. Simon was very helpful at guiding me through the rules and we were nearly late for lunch. Adrian and I were evenly matched in (in)experience and made an equal number of (different) mistakes for a fairly close game. Phil & I spent so much time laughing and exchanging awful puns that I don’t know how we got any gaming done (I Certainly forgot to take photographs).
Lessons learned: Don’t forget that you have Special Abilities. Don’t forget the gadgets. Don’t forget to steal the scene. Don’t roll low dice in combat. Don’t roll high dice when seeing how many of your cast are axed. Grenades are not a toy.
For those that care about these things (not us), Hydra were ahead after game 2 – ably assisted by my lack of success in the first 2 games – and so had to defend their Evil & Degenerate Superweapon from the Plucky, Heroic SSR in the final game. Incredibly, the day ended in an exact draw – must be a ying/yang cosmic balance thing.
Before you ask, Katy and her crew are Perry Miniatures and the army boys are freebie Warlord figures from the cover of Wargames Illustrated.
All in all, a great day. Thanks to Wayne and Foundry for organising. Thanks to Karl and Edgehill for refereeing (variably), submitting to a Q&A largely about Veil of Darkness (ptui!) and for writing a great game. And thanks to Everyone for being a great crowd, showing off their fantastic toys and creating a fun atmosphere.
